Matters Of The Heart
by sweetsheart
Summary: It's their first Valentine's Day together, and both want to impress, so they call in the cavalry. Will Stein be able to cope with Spirit trying to help him in his romantic endeavours, and can Marie work out her day and help Azusa too? Stein/Marie and some Spirit/Azusa. High T for sexual references and language. Happy Valentine's Day!


"What about the massacre?"

"The only people who bring up the Valentine's Day massacre are people who've got no idea what to do for Valentine's Day. Stein, you've got a girlfriend now. Pull it together."

Stein glared at Spirit, and the scythe shrugged.

"It's true. And it's your first Valentine's Day together – you can't just do chocolates or flowers – you've got to do something big." Spirit almost laughed, and Stein crossed his arms.

"I hate you." he replied, indignantly. Spirit stood up and sighed.

"Come on. I'll help you shop for her. I'm good at this last-minute stuff." Spirit stated. Stein shook his head.

"No. No way." Stein insisted. Spirit crossed his arms.

"There's not a single person in this city that can do Valentine's Day better than I can. Because no matter how much stuff is spurted about it being all about romance, it's about sex. And sex is my forte." Spirit said.

"I hate to think." Stein replied. Spirit sighed.

"Come on." he demanded.

* * *

"Please tell me you're joking."

"I'm not joking. What did I say? Valentine's Day is sex."

"If I had to make a list of places I really don't want to be with you, first would me a room with no windows, no doors and no hope of escape, and second would be a sex shop. In fact, I might even swap those around." Stein remarked.

"Shut up. Under all your stitches and your labcoat, there's a sexual being." Spirit replied.

"Please, never say that again." Stein screwed up his face and walked away from the redhead, who followed soon after.

"Look. _Costumes. _You should get Marie one." Spirit remarked.

"Costumes are for children." Stein remarked.

"Not these costumes." Spirit smirked, and Stein sighed and shook his head.

"Okay. Hypothetically, I get her a costume. It's too small, she feels bad because it doesn't fit. It's too big, she gets angry because she thinks I think she's bigger than she is." Stein posited.

"… Alright, but c'mon. You mightn't know her clothes size… what about her bra size?" Spirit asked.

"I know that." he told him.

"Well, what is it?" Spirit asked.

"I would not tell you that if the world depended on it." Stein replied. Spirit sighed and crossed his arms.

"Well… why don't you get a video or something? To set the mood?" Spirit asked. Stein walked over to where Spirit was standing. His eyes flicked over the titles and they nearly all made him cringe. He pulled one out and read it with trepidation.

"_When Candy's sink breaks, she has to call over the neighbourhood plumbed to come and clean her pipes. _Really? Plumbers?" Stein asked.

"Come on, don't tell me you don't watch porn." Spirit crossed his arms. Stein put the video back.

"Certainly not about _plumbers._" he murmured. Spirit sighed.

"Well, look, here's one about Frankenstein. The monster, not you." Spirit remarked.

"Frankenstein was the doctor. Victor Frankenstein." Stein remarked.

"Shut up." Spirit looked at the back and read the description.

"Well, you were right. _Victor gives his wife the night of her life with the monster in his pa – _never mind." Spirit replaced the video on the shelf and Stein crossed his arms.

"Come on, Spirit. These are awful." Stein remarked. Spirit sighed and scratched his head.

"Well… I don't know. You could get cuffs?" Spirit asked.

"Oh, yes, I want to expose Marie to the luxuries offered to _prisoners._" Stein remarked. Spirit sighed and crossed his arms.

"Fine, fine. Look, we'll go somewhere else," Spirit walked past a shelf and tossed a box at Stein, "but you can't tell me you won't need these." Stein looked down at the box of condoms and a facetious smile crossed his features.

"Marie's on the pill." he told the redhead.

"Shut the fuck up, Stein." Spirit remarked.

"And you might only need small ones, but I-"

"_Shut… _the fuck up." Spirit said once more, shaking his head, and Stein allowed himself a small laugh.

* * *

"Which one?"

"I don't know, Marie."

"Which one do you think Stein will like?"

"Oh, yes, because I'm so tuned to the likes and dislikes of that man." Azusa sighed. Marie crossed her arms.

"Can you please just pretend not to hate him at least until I've picked out some underwear for tonight?" Marie asked. Azusa sighed.

"I don't hate him. I just hate the idea of picking out underwear that you're going to have _sex_ with him in." Azusa remarked.

"You think it stays on?" Marie asked.

"Oh, that's much better, now I'm comfortable. Stein having sex with you with them on is bad, but him discarding them in a passionate frenzy is just wonderful." Azusa frowned, and Marie crossed her arms.

"Come on and help me." Marie whined, and Azusa sighed and walked forwards.

"I thought best friends were supposed to talk about sex all the time." Marie sighed, looking through the brightly coloured undergarments. Azusa clicked her tongue.

"It's not the sex that worries me. It's having to look Stein in the eyes." Azusa admitted, and Marie tipped her head to the side.

"You don't even talk that much." Marie said.

"That's the problem. There's not much to talk about, so if I stop thinking for a second, odds are I'll let something slip about you and him and it'll be awkward and awful." Azusa shook her head, and Marie sighed.

"But I _want_ to talk about this sort of stuff with you." Marie held up a matching set of underwear, but Azusa shook her head. She sighed and put it back on the rack.

"I know you do, but I just…" Azusa trailed off.

"So is it the notion of Stein having sex with _me_ or just Stein having sex in general?" Marie asked.

"In general. Yeah, that's… no." Azusa shook her head and Marie shrugged.

"It's all good on my end." she murmured.

"Well, I haven't slept with him, have I?" Azusa asked.

"I certainly hope you haven't." Marie smirked, and Azusa sighed and rolled her eyes.

"If it means that much to you, I'll grin and bear it." Azusa replied.

"Well, it does. And, you know, I want to know if there's anything going on with you too." Marie remarked, and Azusa glanced up.

"I wish." she mumbled, and Marie's eyes widened. Azusa's did in turn, and she gasped.

"Oh, no. What have I done?" she asked, and Marie grinned.

"The first thing that's going to help you get someone is getting out of that suit… _thing. _And, trust me, the key to you getting someone is spontaneity."

"… Great."

* * *

Stein was sat in the laboratory, trying to work out what on Earth he was going to do for Valentine's Day. Surely Marie had something big planned, and he was going to be the awful boyfriend who had done _nothing._

He was about to stand up and be proactive when Marie walked through the door. His eyes widened and he prepared himself to pull out every excuse he had.

"Hi, Stein." she said, and she groaned as she walked over to him.

"Are you okay?" Stein asked, and she wrapped her arms around his midsection.

"You know how couples are supposed to do stuff for each other on Valentine's Day?" she asked, and Stein swallowed hard.

"Uh… yes…" he said, and Marie sighed.

"I _was_ going to go and organise something really nice for us to do, but I kind of got a tiny bit distracted." Marie mumbled.

"Please tell me you didn't buy a puppy or something." Stein remarked. Marie laughed and shook her head.

"I spent ages walking around helping Azusa buy things so that she could find a date tonight." Marie sighed, and Stein laughed. He could see the pain in Marie's eye so he went over to sit on the couch, and she kicked her boots off and rested against him.

"Please. That's nothing." he said.

"Why? What happened to you?" Marie asked.

"Well… Spirit tried to help me." Stein remarked.

"Oh, Death." she giggled, and Stein shook his head.

"No, it gets worse." he said, and Marie glanced up at him and cocked an eyebrow. Stein smirked.

"Guess." he said, and Marie sighed.

"Uh… Chupa Cabra's? I'm sure they have merchandise." she remarked and Stein shook his head.

"Worse." he said. Marie furrowed her brows.

"What's worse than that?" she asked. Stein sighed.

"Spirit Albarn took me to a sex shop." Stein remarked.

"Yeah. Yeah, that is worse." Marie laughed, and Stein sighed and rested his arm around Marie's shoulder.

"Well, this is an awful Valentine's Day." he said, and Marie shook her head.

"It's fine. I'm with you." she smiled, and Stein sighed.

"Did you actually get anything for yourself?" Stein asked. Marie sighed.

"I did get some underwear." she smirked, and Stein glanced down at her, a ghost of a smirk on his lips.

"Well, what are we talking about? Spirit made me buy condoms, and is there really anything more to Valentine's Day than underwear and contraception?" Stein asked.

"Who are you and what did you do to Stein?" Marie asked.

"I've been to a sex shop with Spirit, Marie; you don't come back from that the same." Stein remarked, and Marie couldn't help but laugh.

"Good to know. But even if we put what we bought to good use, I think that food is good first." Marie said, and she reached out past Stein.

"Get me the phone. I feel like pizza." she said, and Stein reached over and raised an eyebrow.

"Not exactly the most romantic of foods, is it?" Stein asked.

"I'll get them to make the pepperoni into a love heart." Marie giggled, and Stein handed her the phone with a smirk.

"I see." he told her.

* * *

A woman sitting alone at a bar on Valentine's night often did not stay alone for long. This was true for Yumi Azusa – except the first person that came along was not someone she'd expected.

"Yumi?"

The raven-haired woman's eyes flicked to the redhead's, and she sighed.

"What are you doing here?" she asked, and Spirit crossed his arms.

"I could ask you the same thing. I could also ask you why you're wearing a dress." Spirit remarked.

"Marie." she said, and Spirit nodded knowingly.

"You trying to pick up or something?" he sat down beside her, and she stared into her drink.

"I don't know, really." Azusa said.

"Well, you probably picked a good night for creeps. Like me." Spirit remarked. Azusa sighed and shrugged.

"Well, at least you're a creep I _know." _she said, and Spirit crossed his arms and cocked an eyebrow.

"Just how much have you had to drink?" Spirit asked, and Azusa glanced at him.

"Not enough that I don't know what I'm doing… enough not to care what I'm doing, though." Spirit saw a ghost of a smirk on Azusa's lips, and his lisp quirked upwards.

"Sounds dangerous." he said. Azusa nodded and stared at her drink, picking it up and downing it in one go.

_Spontaneity. Marie said spontaneity._

She stood up and smoothed her dress down, and Spirit's eyes flicked to hers.

"Very dangerous." she said, and Spirit swallowed hard.

"Do you want to dance?" he asked. Azusa crossed her arms deliberately, enhancing her cleavage in front of the redhead.

"Not in the least." she remarked, and Spirit smirked.

"Then what do you want to do?" he asked.

"It might just be the alcohol, but right about now," she inhaled sharply, "you."

"Which do you think it is?" Spirit asked. Azusa leant down and grabbed a fistful of Spirit's hair at the back of his head and pressed her lips firmly to his. She pulled back and Spirit tipped his head to the side.

"You should wear dresses more often." he murmured.

"Come on." she insisted, grabbing the redhead's hand and dragging him out of the bar.


End file.
